Building Community
How do I build community relevant to today's world and reflects who I am today?
I continue to work on this little church project thing and one of the aspects I am noodling lately is community. The communities the buildings are in and the communities a church creates and how the definition of community can change over time. As well as how I create my own personal community. I will not be discussing all thoughts related to that big introduction here. However, I realized that by coincidence I have read a few articles recently on the topic of community. A couple of these articles name the problems of a changing culture and a changing way of engaging in community.
Part me me laments cultural losses. And part of me is excited to see what we come up with next. When I was younger I really enjoyed those big women’s church events where they would feed me a nice lunch or dinner around a beautifully decorated themed table and bring in a speaker to inspire me to be a better wife, mom, woman of God. Bonus if they also gave me some tips on homemaking, decorating or some aspect of hospitality. But if our church held an event like that today I wouldn’t go. And neither would the younger women of our church. It no longer speaks to a need we have anymore or a way we relate as women to each other, our life and our home. The way we learn, the needs we have as women, the time we dedicate to developing community, our priorities in general, are vastly different than they were 20ish years ago, the last time I went to a women’s event like that. It doesn’t mean we don’t still need community. That women don’t still need encouragement as mothers, wives, sisters, friends, women of God. Homemakers. It just means that is no longer an event that meets those modern needs, speaks to where they are at, or inspires attendance. We need to be more creative in how we think about these things.
One of the articles was about how churches are no longer putting in large kitchens when they build or remodel spaces. They are putting money and square footage into a place for coffee and pastries to be enjoyed in the foyer. Women don’t gather to cook meals for large groups at the church anymore and if the church does feed a large group the food is catered in not cooked on site. And I am asking myself, should I be lamenting this loss or simply shifting my idea of community and hospitality in a church from the downstairs kitchen to the upstairs coffee station? Change is a challenge but it is also exciting. Drinking a vanilla latte while eating a gluten free muffin and chatting with friends after church definitely excites me. (I mean we are already the last ones to leave so the chatting with no food or drink is clearly also inspiring to me but if our church wanted to add lattes instead of just black coffee in a Styrofoam cup to the morning offering I would not be upset.)
Another article talked about a book club. The writer was hesitant to join one feeling book clubs were just places to read a “least-common-denominator Book of the Month” where you give an adult version of the book report. But he got roped in to one and what he found is that a book club is barely about the book, it was, for him, about finding community, a place to share life, encourage and be encouraged. What he surmised is that friendships happen around activity. The sharing and encouragement would not have happened without the excuse to show up regularly to an activity. He wouldn’t have shown up just to shoot the breeze but around the book discussions they shared life.1
Now as a woman who has shown up month after month to share life with friends over a cup of coffee or a glass of wine just because we like each other, I can assure you that the activity can be quite flimsy once the relationships are built, but, he is not wrong when it comes to establishing community, there often needs to be a reason, other than friendship, to draw people week after week or month after month. But friendship is the thing they are actually coming back for. Not the book of the month, not a bowling trophy. Not even great preaching will keep people returning to a church if they don’t feel like there is a way to join the community, to make friends. And yet community building activities are becoming less and less popular, shrinking our communities. So don’t be afraid to go do something you feel a little “meh” about but that might give you an opportunity to find your people.
I often think about how I would make friends if I moved to a new town? How do people find community? The answer to that is the answer to how we reach people both inside and outside our church communities. I’ve played Bunko with neighbors and gone to happy hours with co-workers. My daughter is meeting people at parties and events for her major as well as online2. My husband is on a team at work asking how to strengthen community within his department. It is a question on all our minds. How do we find or create community in todays world?
In this changing world of finding community I think it is fun when we can identify the things that speak to us and find others who share this excitement. Developing community starts with trying new things, learning who we are and what we need. If I don’t know who I am and what I enjoy I also don’t know who my people are. When you are young this is obvious and so you try everything and find your people and activities, bowling, camping, church, running, biking, reading, knitting. But I think at this new stage of life I’m asking myself all over again what activities I enjoy and who my people are. There are so many new things to try and I am in such a different stage of life and such a different person than I was in my 20s. I am a bit inspired to try things all over again and find the people who are my people today. 3
I love watching all the ways people explore and develop community. I appreciate people like my friend Jen who, along with her husband Bryan, host a weekly fire pit night at their home.4 All are welcome. I love hearing about fire pit night and dream of visiting her in Seattle someday to join them. I already know Jen and Bryan are our people and would love to meet her local people. Several years ago a friend who does live near me was doing a version of this at her home. My husband and I joined them several times and enjoyed meeting lots of new people. But eventually we realized none of them, including the friends, were our people. The activity still thrills me but that particular community was not the right fit for us. And that was OK. So we keep looking for our fire pit community. In the meantime, we have invited a variety of people to join us for wine tastings at a vineyard we are members at (that sounds way more fancy than it actually is). It has been fun to connect with old and new friends around wine and conversation. I think that is our fire pit. Who wants to join us next time?
By the way, I mentioned recently that your grandma’s china would definitely be coming back into style with the young people and you should save it. Welcome to “grandmacore” It is a thing, the cool young people are doing it, Tea cups are already making a comeback. Do not give up on your wedding china yet! Or your lace doile’s or floral chairs or embroidered pillows…basically everything you have been told is awful that you have been slowly purging from your life is now awesome again. If my mother-in-law was still alive her home would be the envy of all her grandchildren.
I mean Tim Keller was in his book club so they probably also had meaningful book discussions. You could have twisted my arm into that book club too.
I find this Gen Z practice of prefering online meeting to in person. I joke she goes to a school with 25,000 people and she can’t just talk to someone in a class? But apparently the answer is no. I am not here to explain that to anyone.
Although while keeping my existing people. This isn’t about ditching my life, it is about expanding it to reflect who I am today. In case some of my friends were worried I was about to ditch them! ha ha Nope, you are definitely stuck with me. And I might drag you to some unexpected activities so we can both throw spaghetti against the wall and see what sticks as we become new people together. But it is also fun to meet new people.
Jen coincidentally wrote a little something about her fireside chats this week on her substack. I know she has written other things but I didn’t feel like going through all her posts to find the most descriptive one. Just imagine hanging with fun people around a fire with a glass of something in your hand and having interesting and potentially deep conversation. That is how I imagine it. If that sounds awesome to you, you are my people. Also, do you have a firepit? One of the downsides of a townhome, no backyard fire pit. We do have one at our cabin but you would have to drive 4 hours to pop by so…