Who am I Becoming
I am an independent woman who can do whatever I want. What do I want?
In 2015 John, Riss and I vacationed in San Francisco. Part of the decision to chose that location was its proximity to Monterey where our son was stationed while attending the Defense Language Institute. As we wandered the area near his home we found ourselves on the docks near the Monterey Bay Aquarium. I could sense he wanted to go although he didn’t specifically ask. Normally it is exactly the sort of thing we would do with him, I knew he would love it, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to spend the money or stand in an aquarium looking at fish for the next few hours. Then I had a sudden moment of clarity realizing he was an adult and I no longer had to go to aquariums just because my kid wanted to. And so, absent anyone else in the family speaking up, and spurred on by a sudden wave of personal independence1, we moved on and never visited it2.
I’ve been thinking about that lately. That first moment when I differentiated between what I loved and what my kids loved and realized I can have my own interests. Shortly after that trip child number 2 became enamored with animals and is now pursuing making a career of it. I have spent many more hours at zoos and aquariums since then fostering her love and passion for the work. But now she is also grown up. And I don’t have to go to the zoo or aquarium because she wants to. Her passion is sparked, now she is off to her own pursuit. Instead I can go on a hike, or to an art museum. I can skip the science stuff on a trip. I can stand at a history display and read all the words instead3.
I’m not gonna lie, this season of realizing I get to be an independent minded woman who doesn’t have to manage kids anymore and can instead manage my own life has been more challenging than I anticipated. Turns out my independent mind isn’t quite sure what it should be thinking. Could someone tell me what to do next? Where to put my energy? I have a lot of great advice, is there anyone out there that wants to hear it? Where do I go from here? What is my next role? I suppose I could learn new things, develop new passions, pursue a next path. Sigh, that sounds exhausting. Maybe I could just lay on the couch until I die? Wave if you need me.
This past few weeks I have been processing the end of this full time parenting career I have spent nearly 32 years on. Where I advised, directed, and fostered passions. Where my interests were maybe not completely absent but were not always the priority. As a result, as I practice stepping back from involvement in my daughters day to day life, I am asking myself what my interests are, what do I do now? And combined with that, the full existential crisis of what is my purpose in life now? Who is Melanie????
This question seems to be the crisis of my age and stage of life. All my friends are asking it. New seasons of parenting where we are needed less, career changes, whole lifestyle changes. I have a friend with a huge garden her kids helped with who keeps asking, “do I even like gardening?” You wake up one day and wonder, where do I fit now? Do I fit now? Where do I go from here?
My absolute favorite line from Phineas and Ferb comes from an episode where they decide to do nothing all day. The shows premise is that every day during summer vacation Phineas and Ferb build some outrageous contraption and the older sister is always trying to get them in trouble, catch them in the act, get the mom to turn the right direction and notice whatever they are doing. Every day they do something different and every day she tries unsuccessfully to catch them. Then one day they decide they are going to do nothing, just sit and enjoy the weather. But the sister thinks it is a trick and is still trying to catch them all day. Finally she has to admit they are doing nothing wrong that day and finds herself unsure what to do if she isn’t trying to catch them. In a panic she asks herself, “Who is Candace?”
This pretty much summarizes my life. But instead of trying to catch my brothers in the act I am trying to solve my daughter’s life. Oh, I have the whole day to myself, I should do some meal planning for my daughter. Oh wait, no. Instead I will research grad school programs for her. Oh wait, that’s wrong too. Hold on, I know, I will go pick up coffee from her favorite coffee shop and drop one off at her house on the way home…Sigh. If I am not taking care of my daughter then, “who is Melanie?”
This is the both/and of my life right now. I am very excited to be an independent adult who can make my own decisions and have my own interests. But also, what exactly are those? Do I still remember how to be independent and develop my own interests?
Today I started wondering, Am I over thinking this? I mean not that I normally over think but it is possibility I should probably explore4…
What if we find our purpose along the path not while sitting in our comfy chair contemplating the options. What if what I am called to do right now is show up for the things in front of me? What if the answer comes as we go along not in an instance.5
As a mom I look at Candace and know exactly how to help her. If candace doesn’t know what to do outside of trying to catch her brothers the answer is obviously to start trying new things, pursue different activities. Not wait until clarity strikes on what the next thing should be but go out and adventure. Give herself grace when she find herself trying to catch her brothers again some days and celebrate the days she enjoys doing something just for her. Over time she will discover who she is and it will be a mix of what she was and who she has become and it will be beautiful.
Who are you becoming in this season of life? Something all new or something that is a little bit of the old and a little bit of the new?
April, Praise God.
This is finally happening in Minnesota…
Considering putting away my heavy jacket…
I mean I had a 10 year old so it isn’t like I never went to an aquarium again but for that one moment I was an independent minded woman.
About 3 months before he graduated from his 2 year program and was transferred to another base our son discovered that the military discount for a membership made it cheaper than a regular one day pass. And so he was able to enjoy the aquarium multiple times before he moved without mom or dad needing to be present.
But not out loud because I am not training other people to learn anymore. Which also means I don’t have to read the boring ones either.
I’m actually a weird combination of deep over thinker and a git er done girl. You never know which version of me is going to engage in the project.
But sitting in a chair contemplating my life is so much easier and low risk. Can I just sit here a little longer…
Mmm. A little bit of old, Melanie. A little bit of new. Hopefully willing to venture outside my comfort zone in a way that's gentle and kind. And deeper into my faith in the One who loves me best.