This Has Been A Lot

Being present through my suffering and healing journey

When our daughter was 2 years old and starting to do brave and risky things that scared her a bit she started saying, “Elle’s OK”. (Elle being a nickname she gave herself that we thought was cute but somehow never picked up.) For example, when she and I were slowly being dragged behind a friend’s boat on a tube she kept saying, “Elle’s OK, Elle’s OK”. She quit calling herself Elle a long time ago but every once in a while one of us will say, “Elle’s OK” when things are feeling tricky.

I will not tell you the challenge of finding a digital photo you know exists but was posted or downloaded somewhere 18 years ago. Nor can I tell you where my husband miraculously found it after I gave up. But here it is, evidence of tubing with the nervous but brave 2 year old. I did find video of the ride but that fuzzy picture and old formatting is forever stuck only on Facebook.

I am a month out of the surgery gone wrong story¹ I wrote about last week and as I slowly heal I have turned to my husband several times and said, “Elle’s OK”. It seems to be true but I just need to say it out loud to myself and to him every once in a while. I am OK. I am going to be OK. It’s been a lot and processing it has been a lot and I am not sure I have even begun to scratch the surface of that processing but I thought I would share a little of what I have thought about so far.

About a week after the surgery I had a good day where I sat down to pray and really spend time meditating on what was going on inside me and just try to process and make sense of where I was and how I got there. I wrote in my journal that what I needed to do, what was really the only thing I could do, simply allow myself to be present and walk through this suffering. Not fight it or be mad about it or try to get away from it, simply walk through the reality of the suffering I was experiencing in that moment with faith that there would be an ending. For now, the focus was not on getting through it but simply being present for this moment of suffering and letting that be OK. Not really the secret to getting over suffering but more a sense of allowing myself to be at peace with the fact that I was suffering.

The very next day I got a blood clot and whatever suffering I thought I had experienced up to that point, triple it and that was the suffering I experienced over the next couple days. A week later I sat down with my journal for the same purpose I had a week before. I didn’t actually remember sitting down the week before or what I wrote but after some quiet time with God I opened my journal to write what I felt. I read what I wrote the week before, the day before my big suffering, and was struck by the fact that I had opened my journal to write almost the exact same thing a week later but instead of suffering the word I had on my heart was healing. Be present in this healing journey. And I wonder if that was God preparing me for what was to come, telling me it was OK to simply be present in the suffering I would endure and give me peace that I would now go forward to healing.

John and I were talking about pain and relating it to childbirth. There are lots of classes and conversations about how to breath and focus to make labor “easier”. But it doesn’t really take away the pain it just helps you endure it. I very clearly remember that my ability to endure the pain of labor was significantly improved when I kept my body relaxed and focused on basically anything except the pain. When the pain caught me off guard and I didn’t stay grounded I felt like I was totally out of control of my body and it was horrible. (31 years. You do not forget. Just sayin’) And so I think that is where I have been in this season of pain and suffering. Where is my mind and what has my focus been on? I have had a couple moments of letting the reality of everything that has happened to me and all the fears that follow it wash over me at once. It lead to full on panic attack style hysterical crying. Which I do not apologize for because I think it was a fully deserved panic attack. But while a moment or two of hysterical crying is part of healing, it will be a long, slow process if I decide to live there only focusing on what has gone wrong and what could go wrong next.

Right now I am somewhere between hysterical pain/suffering and healing. Much closer to the healing than the pain at this point but with a long road left to walk. Yesterday I accidentally missed one of my doses of Tylenol, which didn’t seem like a big deal until the pain it had been managing for the last 2 weeks broke through. I am just starting to feel like it is back under control, after a narcotic boost, as I write this the next evening. Clearly Tylenol will be my best friend for the next few months while this blood clot figures itself out. But also, I am doing more every day and slowing finding my way back into my normal life. Not full re-entry but hopeful steps. And in between I am trying to be OK with the fact that I can’t do everything right now and the couch is my friend.

I’m telling myself every day, “Elle’s OK”. Something both true about myself and something a little funny to laugh about. Every couple days I look at my husband and just say, “This has been a lot”. And he just nods because it has been a lot. For both of us.

I’ve also been noodling thoughts on suffering for the past couple weeks. Specifically what it means to suffer with Christ and how Christ’s suffering is redemptive. Does that mean there can be redemption in my suffering? I am not here to answer these questions just share the random things that float around my brain. Not a bible teacher. But this weekend 2 verses came to me, one from an aunt who quoted it almost apologetically like obviously I already knew this. I did but I also really needed to be reminded of it. And the second was the new testament reading at church on Sunday. Not the basis of the sermon, just a reading I needed this week that God snuck into the weekly schedule.

Romans 8:28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

2 Cor 4:7-11 But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. ⁸ We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; ⁹ persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. ¹⁰ We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. ¹¹ For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body.

Again, not a bible teacher so I am just going to say that these verse have given me a little comfort in my suffering this week. They have reminded me that God works things out for good, and this will be no exception. And that there is power in the struggle. Pressed but not crushed, perplexed but not despairing, persecuted but not abandoned, struck down but not destroyed. Check, check, check, check. I am a woman who has suffered with Christ so that his life may be revealed in me, HEAR ME ROAR!

But also, I am still suffering, I still hurt, and this has been a lot.

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Up North for the 4th

We made it up north finally. This is where I had initially planned to rest and recover after my same day surgery. We have been so thankful we didn’t try to push it and get up here because this is not the place to be when you are having a blood clot. But believing we are on the other side of things we finally made it up and it feels great to be here.

Stopped for lunch in Duluth. It was one of those rare summer days where the breeze off the lake was warm and we sat and enjoyed the view for a while before getting back on the road.

One of the funny parts of where I am at right now is what we are calling either anesthesia brain or gaba² brain because both cause a bit of fogginess. For instance, I drove somewhere following GPS this weekend and missed 2 turns. I can drive or I can follow the GPS but apparently I can’t do both. Also, There is a game I play on my phone where I have skipped the ad many times. It counts down 5 seconds and then you hit skip. But I was pounding the skip button the whole 5 seconds not understanding why it wasn’t working.

They are funny little things. I definitely have a bit of a scatter brain right now. However, when we arrived in Silver Bay we remembered the road into our neighborhood was going to be closed for the summer and I was the one who remembered which alternative road we had determined we needed to take. So I guess I am still clear about details from 2 months ago but don’t quite know how to navigate the details of my life right now.

It’s fun to laugh amidst this journey. Looking forward to a weekend of laughter and rest this week.

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2. Gabapentin, its a med I am on.